Born of Persuasion Page 2

  I’d slept long past the hour of dinner, evidenced by the plate of food next to my bedside. My stomach soured as I evaluated its contents. The hare had dried and shrunken from the bone. Granules of fat clung to the potatoes, and what looked like a petrified lump of dough served for bread.

  I wrinkled my nose, sliding from the crumpled bed linens. My nightgown and hair were damp from perspiration, so I took up the heavy, woollen shawl draped over the end of the bed.

  The dreams were always the same—wraithlike visions of Mama, tortured and frenzied in the netherworld, trying to warn me from across a vast chasm.

  I sank before the expiring coals and rested my head against the cool fireplace tiles. Though I never heard what Mama was trying to tell me, I didn’t need to. I tightened my shawl recalling my last visit to Am Meer, three years previous.

  And how very different that trip was.

  Mama had been with me, head high and erect. I suffered no anxiety for my future then, no fears or rejection. Instead, I felt certain of what was to come. I’d begun wearing stays, which decreased my waist size, enhancing my femininity. My hair was swept up and coiled in glossy, thick locks. At fourteen, I was old enough to be wed. Certainly old enough to enter a betrothal, which had already been promised me when I reached this age.

  Poor Mama never suspected my exhilaration had little to do with Am Meer. How placidly she watched the sheep grazing over the windswept hills, her eyes seemingly fixed, her thoughts spreading far from me.

  Our carriage had scarcely arrived before Elizabeth tore from the cottage and sprinted down the flagstone path. Crimson ribbons freed themselves from her hair as she ran.

  “Julia! Julia! Oh, Julia!” She grabbed my hands, knocking me off balance, then swung me around and back to my place. Excitement flushed her cheeks as she bounced up and down on her toes. “Oh, you’ll never guess. You cannot guess!”

  With a slight smile, Mama shook the dust from her skirts.

  My heart pounded, for I knew by the gleam in Elizabeth’s eyes her news had to do with our favorite topic—Lord Auburn’s sons. I gave her a slight, panicked shake of my head, which she failed to note.

  “Edward . . . learned of your arrival.” She paused to catch her breath, and as she did, she grinned—a grin only achieved by youth unaware of how quickly hopes can be blighted.

  With a look of horror, Mama froze. Until that moment, I’d taken great pains to keep her from suspecting my attachment to Edward, the younger son. Our lazy afternoons had been kept far from prying eyes in leafy, cool coppices. The hours had been private ones, dwindled away chatting, safe within haystacks, or with our bare feet dipped in the icy waters of gushing brooks.

  Elizabeth pumped my hands to bring my attention back to her. “Edward postponed a visit to his aunt—and she’s a viscountess, too—simply refused to go, to make certain he saw you. He said to tell you he had something important to discuss.” Her voice rose with excitement as she said the last line. “Had you seen the look on his face, there can be no doubt, none whatsoever, what he intends to ask. If we go now, right now, I bet we can find both Henry and Edward in the village.”

  Doubtless, Elizabeth would have riven me from Am Meer and had me flying down the lane had not Mama’s hands clutched my shoulders.

  “My word,” she said, sounding as if she’d been struck and could scarcely breathe.

  The weight of my betrayal increased as I drew my eyes up to her, but she was not looking at me. Her face, emptied of color, turned toward Mrs. Windham. Though Mama kept her voice pleasing, an intense shudder rippled through her arms as she tightened her grip on me. “Edith, surely you knew nothing of this. The girls are far too old for such antics. There might be rumors, misunderstandings.”

  I could scarcely draw breath. My only hope lay with Mrs. Windham, which did not promise much. Poor Mrs. Windham. At that time, her highest ambition was to keep Elizabeth’s name linked with the Auburns’. She looked nearly as dismayed as I felt.

  “Well, upon my word, Lucy,” was all she managed at first, tottering to join us. “Surely no one would mistake children . . .” Ill-advisedly, she gestured to Elizabeth, whose panting chest filled out her dress rather well. Mrs. Windham must have thought so too, for she frowned and quickly turned in my direction. Her eyes darted up and down my flat bodice before fluttering the lace she clutched in her hand toward me. “They are mere children. Who could possibly mistake their capers for more than that?”

  “Mr. Henry Auburn is nineteen now, is he not?” Mama’s voice was steel.

  Elizabeth, impatient to be off, rolled her eyes. Mama had never stood in her way; therefore she could not perceive the storm gathering above us.

  “Well . . . as I breathe,” Mrs. Windham said, “I am sure I cannot recount Master Henry’s age. Certainly he cannot be—” her face drooped—“as old as all that.”

  “Elizabeth?” Mama’s voice took on a crisp tone.

  The impatience drained from my friend’s countenance as realization sank in. Her face turned scarlet. “Ma’am?”

  “How old is Master Henry?” Mama did not ask Edward’s age, for I think even then she could not bring herself to speak his name.

  Elizabeth glanced at me for help. I felt like crying. Our perfect afternoons were ending, and there was nothing I could do.

  “He is nineteen, ma’am.”

  “Ah.” Mama fixed her stony gaze on Mrs. Windham. Her disapproval chilled even the misty air. “Surely you knew nothing of this scheme.”

  Mrs. Windham blinked as her mind absorbed the abrupt change. When Mama arched her eyebrows, Mrs. Windham seized her only chance of separating herself.

  “Upon my word, Elizabeth.” She grabbed Elizabeth’s upper arm and walloped her through her thick petticoats, propelling her toward the house. “Such notions! Such carrying on! Such a thing I would not have imagined from you.” She looked over her shoulder at Mama. “I had not thought she would suggest such a brazen act. Go find the Auburns in the village, indeed.” She raised her hand and larruped Elizabeth’s backside. “Get in the house! Do not let me hear one peep out of you. Of all the indecent, bald-faced . . .”

  Elizabeth wore too many petticoats to be much disturbed. She cast me a determined look that promised we would see Henry and Edward this summer, no matter what.

  Mama caught her meaning too, for her hand stopped trembling on my shoulder. From that moment forward, she became my jailor. Gone were my afternoon walks and Elizabeth’s and my trips to the village, where we wove through the merchant stalls and cried out greetings to those amongst our class.

  Mama found excuses not to visit Am Meer thereafter. The horse had clubfoot. The rain made it too muddy for safe passage. We needed to tend our garden. Her excuses were as lame as she claimed our horse was.

  Mrs. Windham faithfully sent her yearly invitation, and pain creased Mama’s face as she read each missive. Not even a stranger would have mistaken Tantalus’s hunger in her eyes. To this day I ache when I consider the cruelty she endured to keep me from Edward—the drunken rages, the swift, savage hand of my father. She could have escaped, spent her summer afternoons sewing in peace amongst Mrs. Windham’s roses. But Mama held firm to her belief that Edward would devastate my life. Of all people, Mama should have known that we have no control over fate, not even our own.

  Her efforts were vain, regardless. For despite her keeping me under lock and key during our last visit to Am Meer, Edward had managed to find me.

  My faith in Edward had been so strong that even the afternoon I learned I had a guardian, I scarcely listened to his terms. That afternoon, I still had not been able to weep over Mama’s death, as it was self-inflicted. I walked in a blur. Thus when Mr. Graves, my solicitor, informed me I had a guardian who intended to send me to Scotland as a widow’s companion, I sat expressionless as he read my guardian’s instructions.

  My calm must have disturbed him, for when he finished he looked over the page and frowned. “Did you understand any of what I just read?”

/>   “I understood.” I kept my hands folded on my lap, refusing to change expression.

  He clearly hadn’t expected this, for he paused, looking annoyed.

  I swallowed hard, wondering what a normal response was. Did he expect me to object to my lower status? Was I supposed to weep and wail? Or was he waiting for me to thank my guardian profusely for overseeing my future?

  Twice Mr. Graves cleared his throat, an indicant he wished me to speak. Tugging his cravat, he stared, waiting. “Well, haven’t you anything to say?” he finally demanded.

  A slow smirk crept over my lips as I fought the urge to shriek with laughter. Say? I mused. When had it ever mattered what I said? My words were as empty as air. No one consulted me about concealing Mama’s suicide, addressed the cost of the funeral, or even bothered to tell me that should my parents die, I’d have a guardian. No, I would not speak. I’d learned early that women did not escape their bonds. But neither would I thank my guardian. I would do nothing except sit here, hands folded.

  Mr. Graves was not a particularly insightful personality. Instead of recognizing someone worn down from grief, he saw a girl who smirked when he didn’t want her to. He wrinkled his nose in disgust. “Well—” he stood, stuffing papers back in his bag—“I’ll take my leave, then.”

  I remained motionless until his footsteps died. Even as fear slowly curled through my body, a ray of sun sliced through the dust and landed near my feet. It was as warm and shining as my last hope—Edward.

  The smattering of rain on the panes recalled me to Am Meer. I shook off the shawl and pattered to the bed, where my satchel lay. Stashed within the first compartment was the portrait of the life Mama had left me.

  The page had come to me during the last meeting with Mr. Graves. When he stood to leave, it fluttered unnoticed to the floor. It had taken all my effort not to stare at it as he turned and walked from the room.

  I opened the paper that I had folded and refolded so often the words had rubbed clean in the creases and could only be read from memory.

  As far as I could tell, the letter was written to my guardian and discussed the conditions of my going to Scotland. It read:

  . . . for if she’s unused to Scotland’s damp air, I daresay, she’ll suffer without proper wool, boots, and cape.

  Also, it is imperative the girl remains in full mourning. Mother and I are most severe upon this point. Your charge likely expects to make the transition into second mourning before her arrival. But such frivolity will little suit her life with us.

  You wrote that you are concerned about whom the girl associates with. Allow me to assure you, neither Mother nor I tolerate intermingling amongst the classes. I do not encourage those beneath our station to look above their rank. In the rare event of guests, Mother will especially require the girl’s presence in the sickroom. Naturally, the same level of expectation shall continue where the staff is concerned—no mingling shall be tolerated. When Mama is sleeping, I personally shall make certain the girl’s free time is filled with useful employment lest she grow lazy and idle.

  While I’m on this topic, Isaac wrote that she’s to be given a small allowance at your expense—enough to content the feminine mind. Sir, I cannot disagree more heartily with him upon the matter, and implore you trust my opinion as a woman over his. He is much deceived as to the nature of females. Not a single woman amongst my acquaintance defines her happiness as stemming from the substance of things. It would be a dangerous precedent to set. Your protégé would needlessly spoil the girl, and with it, give her an air of discontentment. If she is penniless, work alone secures her future. If she is friendless, let discipline structure her thoughts. She must be taught that only through usefulness shall she find security. This offers her far greater contentment than mere baubles. Indeed, I have often observed—

  Whatever had been observed, I thankfully was spared from learning. The page ended.

  I clutched the note against my stomach, glad for the lingering hours before dawn. Every time I read the letter, fear assailed me. Much depended upon the next few weeks of my life. My guardian had given me two months before I left for Scotland. If I were to find a husband first, I needed to act quickly.

  My summers at Am Meer had always been interludes of peace, golden drafts of mead. The halcyon summer days blended with country dances, laughter, and girlish dreams. And Edward had always occupied the center.

  Now he was all I had left.

  A child’s whimsy.

  One that I desperately needed to make real.

  I WOKE TO A STRANGLING SCREAM.

  Bolting upright, I found my room in the half-light of dawn. To my astonishment, a girl with long, russet tangles of hair was trying to reach the shutter latch behind a cockerel perched in the window. “Shoo,” she hissed, “afore ye find yourself in a pot.”

  Her efforts were greeted with a flurry of beating wings and shrill crowing. The girl turned her face but somehow managed to close the shutters. The tips of the quill feathers remained, causing the rooster to emit discordant shrieks and thrash about all the more. The maid reopened the shutters enough to release him, then leaned outside. “And I did it a-purpose too. Maybe that’ll teach ye to behave.”

  I pulled my unbound hair over my shoulder, too bewildered to speak. Beneath my window, hens clucked and the annoying rooster crowed again, this time sounding indignant. Yet even that horrible noise was balm.

  The girl laughed, dusting her hands, then turned and saw me. “Don’t be minding that old bird. His whole brood is suchlike. ’Tis about time ye woke anyway. I’m to be in the kitchen afore the hour ends.”

  I rubbed my forehead, probably looking more severe than I intended. Ignoring her, I anxiously searched near the hearth for the page I’d been reading the night before. I loathed the idea of others learning I’d been reduced to the role of a lady’s companion. I had told no one, lest Edward learn of it and regret our secret engagement.

  The girl’s mouth twisted when I said nothing. She knelt before the hearth and brushed the ash. “Miss Lizbeth sent me to be your lady’s maid. She says ye travelled without one.”

  I grabbed a silk wrapper and stole from bed to rifle through my satchel. I breathed relief upon finding the letter stashed in its rightful place.

  Free from that worry, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and considered my room. Sun stretched over the birch floor, making it glint like a polished piece of citrine. At the washstand, I scrubbed with a bar of oatmeal soap. The room never changed between visits, but I liked the old-fashioned jade-colored walls and cream bedding. The only harsh colors were the ones I brought. My weather-stained trunks were piled in one corner, and the black garments I had strewn over the floor still lay where I’d dropped them. Yellow roses were crammed into an aged vase atop the writing desk. Since it seemed unlikely Mrs. Windham remembered they were my favorites, I concluded Elizabeth had overseen the detail.

  I turned my attention back to the maid, who extended a linen towel, arching her eyebrows and seemingly waiting for comment.

  “Your name?” I inquired, burying my face in the soft linen, satin-stitched with flowers and ribbons.

  “Nancy.”

  I patted my face dry and then with mild alarm took in her soot-stained fingers and freckled face. “Have you experience as a lady’s maid?”

  Her smile increased as she lifted on her toes. “I got natural knack. Me mam says so.”

  I stared in dismay. Never before had my need to be lovely been so pressing. This girl scarcely looked as though she’d combed her own hair. Yet there was one comfort. Had she been qualified, even with that accent, decorum would have demanded that I tip her.

  Her smile fell with my silence.

  To hide my discomfort, I hung the towel back on its bar, wishing I were more like Elizabeth, who befriended others easily. At best, I could be forthright. “You realize I shall not tip you. Your wages shall only be what the Windhams pay you.”

  She scowled askance, but then went to my luggage, squatted,
and lifted the lids.

  I shut my eyes, knowing what was coming next. I’d stripped my house of every piece of silver and wrapped my garments about the pieces to keep them from chinking. She must have unfurled the first dress, for clattering filled the room.

  Mouth open and wide-eyed, she turned to stare at me.

  Having no reasonable explanation to give, I turned from her and took a seat at the vanity.

  “Eh,” her voice said behind me, “is this all you got?”

  I drew my eyes to the mirror and watched as she rummaged through the trunks a second time, removing the undergarments from the platters and candlesticks.

  “Three dresses and a tea service?” Disappointment filled her voice. “Where’s th’ other gowns?”

  “There are no other gowns.”

  “Then thou are as marred as that rooster and as beggarly as me,” she mumbled, loud enough for me to catch, but not loud enough to merit a reprimand.

  Am Meer’s dining room faced east, so despite the intermittent clouds, the large mirror above the mantel sent sparkles dancing over the rows of china encircling the pale-green room. I paused in the doorway to view my hosts.

  “Now here is a pretty change.” Mrs. Windham noticed me as she tapped her hard-boiled egg. “Do you not think that coiffure lessens the gauntness of Julia’s face?”

  Elizabeth’s eyes widened as she lowered her cup. “Pay Mama no mind, dear. You always look becoming.”

  Mrs. Windham glanced up from her dish. “Be good enough to tell me when I ever called her unbecoming?”

  “Mama, hush,” Elizabeth whispered.

  “Well, I never stated she was unbecoming.” Mrs. Windham pouted, waving away her egg as if it were now intolerable. “That was you.”

  “I said no such thing, and you know it.”

  “Yes, you did. Just now.” Mrs. Windham motioned me into the argument. “Did she not?”

  I gave Elizabeth a wicked grin as I took my chair. “I rather think you did, just now.”